12 PEOPLE I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE A BEER WITH IF THEY EXIST

We all have people we’d like to meet some day.  With me, they’re not only people I’ve never met, they’re people I’ve never even seen pictures of.  Nor, for that matter, do I know anything at all about them, or know anyone else who has met them.  Even though I’ve heard of them all my life, their very existence remains tenuous.

I was finally able to compile a list in the hope that someone out there may know something—anything—about them:

BUTTINSKI: Not just any Buttinski, however.  It is important that I meet “a real Buttinski” (evidently there are imposters).  About all I know about Buttinski is that he/she tends to get into things that are none of his/her business.  And I guess not in a good way, like a psychiatrist or a grocer.  Which makes them similar to someone named:

NOSEY PARKER: The two of them pretty much stick their nose in where not wanted.  Could even be a husband-wife team I suppose.  Parker may well be a maiden name and she may be found under Mrs. Nosey Buttinski.  Or the other way around (must find out Buttinski’s first name).  Wish they were more like:

JOHN DOE, JOE BLOW and JOHN Q. PUBLIC: Known for being a bunch of regular guys, you wouldn’t know it by these three, since they are so apparently inaccessible.  Hell, I’d be happy to sit down, have a beer with any one of them.  If I could find them (note: investigate rumors they are all the same person).  Somehow, not being able to find them makes them seem loftier than they pretend.  Could the “working class hero” thing be a front?  Could they, in effect, be just another:

JIM DANDY: Now I have to say, I honestly don’t want to actually have a beer with this guy, since I get an impression—correct me if I’m wrong—of a sort of polished and fussy arrogance.  I sense something “superior” and aloof here, and if I’m proven wrong (and I hope I am) I’ll be the first to apologize to Mr. Dandy.  One hint I may be wrong?  He seems to aspire to be “a regular Jim Dandy”.  “Regular” does seem to indicate a down-to-earth quality.  Even if that end result is ultimately not achieved.  Perhaps too good to be true.  Just like:

GOODY TWO SHOES: No hoisting a beer with this one, merely curiosity.  Again, I hate to prejudge, but from everything I’ve heard this is one of those folks who believes they are always right and perfect in everything and has no flaws or bad or annoying habits.  Frankly, that in itself is an annoying habit.  Especially since, in her case, there is something very self-serving and self righteous about it.  It all seems contrived, a means toward an end.  Unlike:

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE: No, not the movie—the name’s been around a lot longer.  I know what you’re thinking—does she hang out with Goody?  I sincerely doubt it, since this one doesn’t bask in a pretense of her own perfection.  I think because her positive nature is unselfish, unprepossessing and genuinely innocent.  She simply exudes an unrelentingly positive spin, and spreads it generously to others.  Two beers please!  Not so with:

MR. SMARTY PANTS: Man, I really can’t stand this guy.  Even though I’ve never even met him.  Perhaps it’s the mere idea of him; the condescending arrogance, doling out knowledge like pearls to swine, always believing he has the correct answers, thinking he absolutely knows every damn thing.  Brother—I think I’d actually rather have a beer with:

WEISENHEIMER: Now I like to make smart-ass remarks as much as the next guy.  Maybe more.  But from everything I’ve heard this fellow is non-stop.  That has to get tiresome, and there simply has to be more there, more to a person, else our very existence is futile—futile—don’t you see?  I would like to meet him/her, though.  Once.  Just to see if it’s true.  If I do, however, it has to be “a real Weisenheimer” (see Buttinski).  Guess it makes a difference.  Otherwise, they’d be just another:

KILLJOY: I feel like I already know this one.  No matter what kind of good time you’re having, no matter what the level of fun or pleasure, this one will put a kibosh on it.  Why the need to do this?  What drives this person to be so bitter?  Is it self-loathing?  Can’t stand their own lack of success, so they must bring down others?  Why not take a lesson from (the possibly related) Kilroy, who left his name all over Europe during WWII (“Kilroy was here”) while doing his part?  Why not be positive and pitch in, just like:

EVERY MAN JACK: Possibly related to Doe, Blow and Public but with a more aggressive and individualistic attitude, this “can do” idealist would be at the top of my list of have-a-beer-with folks.  Stout fellows like EMJ (as I like to call him) were at the Alamo and Roarke’s Drift and Wake Island.  That’s who I’d want on my team (by the way, there is no evidence of truth to the rumor that his actual name was Avery Manjack).  Yes, this one wears the name Every proudly.  More than I can say for every:

TOM, DICK and HARRY: One question…Who are those guys?  I mean, really—who the hell are Tom, Dick and Harry (and if you tell me “The Rover Boys” I’ll ignore your frivolity, even as I admire your knowledge of old Warner Brothers cartoons)?  Now, here’s the problem; as much as I’d like to meet, sit down, and have a beer with these guys, I just don’t know if it’s feasible for the simple fact that, for some arcane reason, I would have to have a beer with…”every Tom, Dick and Harry”.  This, I fear, would require a large—really large—tavern somewhere and one hell of a bar tab.  Pass.  Besides, every Tom, Dick and Harry are no Every Man Jack.  No, I’d rather just learn about them.  Even a little.  As I would our last—oops…is he here yet?  No?  Why?  Because he’s:

JOHNNY COME LATELY: How fitting that he’s last.  I might have a beer with him if he’d ever show up.  Not sure what his deal is.  Perhaps like one of those folks who held back in the Oklahoma Land Rush and went in later for a bogus claim.  He waits for everyone else to have the good idea, then tries to take advantage.  Still, I suppose, the jury’s out until I meet him.  I’ll present the idiot with a watch.

Do they all hang out at the same places?  Anyone met even one of them?  The search continues.  Perhaps good for an episode of one of those shows on the History or Discovery channels.
—Larry Blamire